Written by my other half, Chris Wohl.
I was recently asked, “What does Father’s Day mean to you as a father through surrogacy?” Well, to be honest, I don’t know. I am a first time father. This is my first Father’s Day with my first child. So, I do not have any measure to compare what Father’s Day means to me in the context of surrogacy. Sure, I could talk about how I feel incredibly blessed (which I do) to even have the chance to be a father or how grateful I am to get the opportunity to celebrate this day after so many years of trying. But really, I am not feeling like somehow my Father’s Day feelings are different simply because of how our family came to be. I am happy to say that I am head-over-heels in love with my daughter. What other father isn’t?
Here is the thing gents, in a way, as dudes we are always “intended parents.” Unless you were an actual participant in the strange phenomena that occurred on that episode of The Cosby Show way back when, you had about zero chance of carrying a child, or anything for that matter. So, how should you feel if you are celebrating a Father’s Day as a result of surrogacy? Should you feel any different? Any more entitled to special treatment? Any less? My thought…no. You should feel entitled to the treatment that you deserve as a Father. Simple. So, that begs the question. If you did not go through the traditional route of getting your wife preggos and suffering through the 2 AM calls for pickles with ice cream and the invariable shampooing of the carpet because that is where her water broke, what exactly does entitle you to special treatment?
Simple, you have a penis! Just kidding. Although that should be enough, I think us gents have done a myriad of other things to deserve this day. As a side bar, if we are honest with ourselves, aren’t the other 364 days of the year kind of a Mother’s Day of sorts anyway? Back on topic, what did I (we) do to deserve this day of celebrating our Y chromosome?
The Way Way Back
Let’s talk about this for a minute. You made the commitment! You had the conversation with your snuggle buddy and said, “YES, I want to start working on a family.” Kudos to you sir. You promised to cut back on your drinking by about 5%, only go out for competitive foosball 3 nights a week, oh and no longer would you party hard with the boys for the Thursday night games. Besides, it takes all the anticipation out of Friday and Saturday night partying!
The Way Back
Uh-oh. Things weren’t progressing quite like they should. What does this mean? Are you not meant to have a family? Is the challenge too great? Hell no! You cast aside all thoughts of insufficient manliness and dive into the world of IUIs, IVF, and the needle laden waters therein. It is not the picturesque world that you dreamed of. For some reason, searching for the hidden “baby-making” section of the Kama Sutra doesn’t have the enticement that you thought it would. But still, ain’t nothing stopping such a man as you from having a family!
The Back
Turns out, it doesn’t matter how many progesterone shots you stab in your lovely lady’s rump, things don’t seem to be working. Right when the clouds of doubt and uncertainty seem to creep in, a shining light appears. Yep, it is a wonder-surrogate! She has come to tell you that your dreams are not outside your reach. She can help you have that family you dreamed of. Is this the promise land only spoken of in fables? Not quite. You see, once your wonder surro is preggos, a whole new whirlwind of emotions grab you. That is your child she is carrying! Is it safe? Does it need more water? Is it too hot? Too cold? Does it think the TV is too loud? Is it being exposed to too much Justin Bieber? Literally, the list is endless. But this doesn’t faze your stalwart attitude! No, you stand firm telling your snuggle buddy that everything is fine, our wonder-surro is doing everything the way we would. Inside, you are hoping the glass house you are building in your soul will not break. Blah! We are men! If we make a glass house around all of our deepest biggest hopes for fatherdom, it will be made out of bullet proof glass right?!
The Now
Your wonder-surro delivered…literally. You have a 5-10 pound bundle of screaming, crying, pooping, peeing joy to greet you at 2 AM! As you slowly rock this little miracle back to sleep after eating its umpteenth bottle, are you second guessing your decision? Never! You look at that swaddled mass of toothlessness and know that at 2 AM, there is nowhere else you would rather be. Smitten with baby love? Perhaps—but in the most manly of ways!
So, how should those of us who’ve been introduced to the great joys of being a father through surrogacy celebrate? Just like every other damn father! Yeah, our paths may have been different. We may not have watched our snuggle buddy’s toes slowly disappear from her vision, but we learn every lesson that those gents getting to fatherdom through the traditional route do: commitment, perseverance, compassion, reliability, and steadfastness. Was it easy? No. Was it enjoyable? Mostly no. Are you proud to be a father this Father’s day? Resolutely, YES!