Making the decision to parent another child requires much consideration. What age and background are you looking for in a child? How many years do you want between your kids? When should you start the process? When is the right time to tell your child? What do you tell them? Which process seems right for your family?
For any parent adding a younger child to the family, there will be changes in the family unit. Your attention will be divided, and you will need to make sure your older child(ren) feel supported and loved.
Preparing a child for a younger sibling is important. This gives you a chance to explain that there will be another child in the family. That you have enough love for everyone. That your love for them will not change. You can also explain that with a young baby or child, you will sometimes need to spend time with them to meet their need for food, a diaper change, playtime and attention. You can say how being an older child is very special. People regard older kids with more respect. You can ask your child if they would like to be involved and they are old enough to help. An older child can help with feedings and playtime. Even a very young child can bring you a toy or diaper, when needed. It is good to make them feel necessary and involved.
Adding adoption to the discussion is equally important. If your child is not an adopted child, you will need to explain adoption to them. Depending on their age, just give basic details or fill in gaps with how the adoption process works. You should not give any details of the birth family of the child to be adopted—except that a woman is having a baby for you. The details of the birth family belong to the adopted child. You can explain that sometimes a woman cannot raise a child. She may be too young, not ready for the responsibility or may not have a place to live or family to support or help her. Explain that she will choose you and your family to raise the child. Allow your child to express their reaction and ask questions.
If your child was adopted, this is a great opportunity to talk more about the adoption process, how they joined the family and add details that you feel they are ready to understand. Encourage them to ask questions. Answer honestly, tell them adoption is forever but not all adoption processes are the same. If they ask questions about the birthmother of the child to be adopted, you should explain that it is important for the new child to hear it first, in the same way they know and can decide who to tell about their adoption and birth family.
If your older child will be meeting the birthparent(s) during this adoption process, you will need to explain to them that information should be provided to your child by you and that if they are asked, they should let you know who is asking. Explain that the information is not secret—but private.
Older siblings will be very aware of your reactions and actions. Be cognizant of your verbal and body language. Your child will pick up on your feelings about birth parents and the adoption process. They will assume you felt the same about their birthparent(s) and adoption. They may repeat what they hear or think they hear.
After your new child arrives, continue the conversation about adoption and the needs of a younger sibling not outweighing the needs of your older child(ren). That everyone will get the time and attention they need. Do things together when you can, involve your older child(ren) when you care for a younger sibling and give the older sibling(s) special alone time with you to do something they like to do.
Your family is growing. Adopting a new child will bring new experiences, add new interests, influence all other family members and learn to adjust to the routines and activities of those before them. Prepare yourself for the added responsibility, change in routines and feeling pulled in many directions all at the same time that you get ready for daily successes, new relationships in the family unit and extra love to go around.
Click for more from Adoption.NET Executive Writer Kathy Brodsky