I have written to my daughter’s birth mother many times going on six years since her adoption. My daughter has even dictated a letter for me to write. Recently however, my sweet girl who just finished Kindergarten, asked to write her own letter. I wasn’t surprised as she has been wanting to meet her birth mother. She has also been wanting to hear from her after we sent her a text. Her birth mother lives in a state that has had a lot of bad weather lately and my daughter was fearful for her safety and wanted to know if she was alright. We haven’t heard back, but that is normal and my daughter knows that. Sometimes we don’t hear back for a year or more. She also knows that letters often get a response because as she put it, “She might not have money for a phone, but EVERYONE has a mailbox!”
So, my sweet little girl asked for very nice paper to write a very special letter. I offered to leave the room but she asked me to stay because she wanted to make sure her spelling was right. I was curious to see what my little girl would write to the amazing woman who gave birth to her; a woman who is sadly a stranger to her. I thought she’d start with “Hi, how are you?” or “I’d like to meet you,” or even “How’s the weather there? Are you okay?” Instead, she started with Dear C, I wonder… Then she paused and looked at me and asked, “How do you spell adoption?” I asked her why she wanted to know that and she said because she was curious if her birth mother was going to place more babies for adoption. It was a perfectly honest and heartfelt answer. She didn’t write that though. She decided to ask her if she would have any more babies and if they would be girls or boys. She then asked if she was ok and if she’d like to meet her someday. After that question she quickly added, “and my family.” Then at the bottom, she drew 4 faces and labeled them happy, mad, sad, and surprised. Above those she wrote, “Circle how this letter made you feel.”
I must say I was very surprised by her letter. While writing it, she told me, “Mom, sometimes I just wonder about her.” I told her I wonder too and hope that she gets to meet her someday.
There was a point in my life where I was sure that I would dread the day my child would ask me to write to her other mother. As I watched my daughter carefully think about and print her words, I felt proud. I also felt a lot of love and some sadness. Though, the sadness wasn’t about me. The sadness was for my daughter who really wants to know where she came from. The handful of pictures and couple of letters we have just are not enough for her. She wants more. I hope that she will get a response and I hope we can set up a visit.
After my daughter wrote the letter I sent a text to her birth mom to let her know that a letter would be coming her way. We haven’t heard back. Hopefully she is okay. Hopefully she got the letter and will respond. Hopefully she wants to meet the sweet little girl that she gave birth to almost 6 years ago. Even if we don’t hear back though, we won’t stop trying. Our little girl deserves to know her birth family.
Every child should be allowed to reach out to their birth parents as long as it is safe. I think that is something all adoptive parents must keep in mind. You might be surprised by the way watching your child write that letter makes you feel. Always remember to keep an open mind with open adoption.