I often would joke with my husband from time to time when we were going through surrogacy, that our new relationship status on Facebook should be changed to “It’s Complicated.” Many people are not as open about their infertility as we are and of those who do venture into the wild world of surrogacy, many choose to keep it under wraps. The truth is, it is complicated. For us, building our family didn’t just take two to tango. It was a party of three plus a few doctors, lawyers, Reproductive Endocrinologists, and well, a lot of other people!
What is even more complicated is trying to explain the invasive, technical process to those who are unfamiliar with the concept of surrogacy. This had me thinking, if it is such a challenge to explain it to grown adults without them thinking that this is some crazy passage out of a science fiction novel, how on earth do you explain it to your kid? More so, how does the surrogate explain that her growing belly is not a sibling but someone else’s child to her family? It certainly makes that uncomfortable ‘birds and the bees’ conversation pop up more that you would like it to.
Our surrogate had two little girls filled with many questions as to why her womb was for rent and why our baby was in their mom’s belly and not mine. That is when I came across a children’s book called The Kangaroo Pouch written by previous surrogate, Sara Phillips Pellet, which explained surrogacy on their level. It was perfect gift to give them and helped explain it in such a way that they could understand. The book is creatively written and illustrated. The characters in the book are kangaroos and introduce the concept of the mother kangaroo sharing her pouch to carry a baby, for another couple that cannot carry their little kangaroo in their own pouch. I was lucky enough get to know the author and interview her on how she came up with the idea of her popular children’s book.
What inspired you to write your book, The Kangaroo Pouch?
Like a lot of things in life, necessity was the mother of invention. I was finding that explaining the concept of being a surrogate to the adults in my life was tough (this was back in 2004 when surrogacy wasn’t as widely understood or accepted as it is today). So when it came time to talk to my children about it, I was stumped on how I was going to convey the concept to them in terms they would be able to understand. My first thought was to do what I had done when we had other tough concepts to address—moving, what to expect on the first day of school, etc.—which was to get a book, sit them on my lap, read it, point out the pictures, talk about it, and then relate it to real life. But when I went to get a children’s book on surrogacy, I couldn’t find any that were age appropriate or one that explained it from a surrogate to her children’s perspective. So quite simply, I wrote what I needed and illustrated it myself with stick figures. I later had it professionally illustrated and published.
How did you come up with idea of a kangaroo to help explain surrogacy?
The idea came when I was thinking about how I was going to explain the embryo going into my “belly” without getting too technical about it. From there, the idea just popped into my head about using a kangaroo and the pouch. It solved the problem of having to delve into the “birds/bees” territory, which my kids weren’t remotely ready to hear about at that point in their lives.
What was your biggest challenge/road block when you were trying to explain surrogacy to your child?
My biggest hurdle was framing the concept of me being pregnant with their cousins, and that those babies were not mine in any way.
Why do you feel this is a good tool to use for those becoming a surrogate or those who are surrogates?
It’s funny, I wrote the book for children, but I actually hear a lot from intended parents and surrogates alike who thank me for explaining surrogacy in such simple terms because it has helped them to explain it to people in their lives—grandmothers, students, parents, and in some cases, their spouses—not just their children. So I would have to say, just like matches help to start fires, books are wonderful tools in starting conversations.
What top 3 tips would you give someone who is thinking about surrogacy? (From the perspective of a surrogate)
1. Be absolutely sure you are finished having your own children. Surrogacy is a wonderful experience and gift; but complications can happen and your own fertility can be put at risk.
2. Understand thoroughly what those risks are.
3. Ice the injection areas—you won’t bruise as much!
Do you have any other projects in the works?
I am currently working on a Middle-Grade adventure novel (8-12) and a coming of age New Adult novel (18-22). I also have another picture book published, Candles in the Cabin, which is for young children. I’ve been a writer all of my career, mostly business writing, but creative writing is my passion.
Being a new parent through surrogacy certainly has its challenges, and I am not so naïve to think that I will not encounter more as our child begins to ask those looming birds and the bees questions. I am not sure how or when we will mention the topic of surrogacy, or maybe we will just wait until she becomes curious and asks. We will make sure that she knows about the incredible love and sacrifice our surrogate had, all of the excitement and worry we felt during the pregnancy, and how our world seemed to actually start the second she was born. Thanks to authors like Sarah who are helping simplify the concept on a level that is easy for our mini-humans to understand. Now that I can incorporate this book into my baby’s library, it will make those awkward conversations a little less uncomfortable.