Alysia Foote
Is open adoption good or bad? The open adoption experience is different for everyone. Though painful, birthmother Alysia Foote stands tall in her placement and feels she did what was for the best for her baby. She writes about the importance of birthmother support and how comforting it has been to lean on others who’ve been there.
Minutes become hours. Hours become days. Days to weeks, months and before you know it a year has passed. Milestones are missed but shared in photos and emails, to which I am forever grateful for. Seeing my little man laughing for the first time made my heart sing. Watching him learn to crawl from afar was amazing. The waving, the goofy smiles and the ‘getting to know you’ emails remind me that I chose the most amazing family for him. Then today happened. Today was different.
I received a video of him toddling and taking his first steps. Under all normal circumstances I would smile and show everyone that cared to see him concentrating as he told his chunky little toes to go forward, but this update was different. I smiled but then my heart instantly became sad. These little snippets of his world are so wonderful but I am reminded of the whole picture that I am missing out on. I was reminded that I do not get to see his beautiful smile in the morning when he wakes or his big eyes look up at me as he cuddles on my chest while he drifts into sleep. These are the things that I took away from myself and I have no one else to blame but myself. That’s a jagged pill to swallow.
I’m a proud birthmother. I stand tall in my placement and I always feel that what I did was the best thing for him and for me. Selfless selfishness is how I look at it. I never, ever, want people to focus on the sadness of placement, but the happiness and love that comes from it. There are times I have to lie to myself and pretend that it doesn’t hurt. Today, I hurt. Miserably. I yearn for him. For his smell and his touch. The sticky fingers and the sweet baby kisses. I want to hear his little voice call out for Mama and for that call to be for me. I love his Mommy so much and I know the feeling she has when that little voice calls out for Mama and she is the one that comes to his rescue, but it doesn’t take the pain away.
There are times I tell myself that maybe I am not strong enough to be in an open adoption because of all of the raw emotion that comes with it. I tell myself that maybe it is better to pretend that adoption does not exist in my world. I’ve been down that road before and it was bad. I pretended that I was not a birthmom and in turn, I pretended that my child did not exist. I can’t do that again. I continue to wonder just how long can this pain last? What makes my pain and frustration “normal?” These are all questions that I ask myself on an almost daily basis. Sometimes I’m able to let go of my feelings and let my day go on as usual and then there are days that I feel my world crumbling in around me, like today. I turn to my legion of birthmom sisters. The women that understand me the most. They comfort me and allow me to vent. They tell me that I will be OK and they mean it. I cannot imagine my life without them all. Today I will get through this heartbreak because of them. I am so, so blessed to be a part of an amazing group of women. I have no words to describe how much they all mean to me and how they’ve enriched my life.
About Alysia— I am a mother of four and birthmother of two. I married my high school sweetheart and love of my life after we became parents at 18. We were suffering through some major trials when we became pregnant with no possibility of parenting. Through the miracle of adoption we were able to help create an amazing family for our little girl. A few years later we found ourselves in the same situation and decided to place again. We love our children’s families. We chose them, we trust them and we are forever in debt to them for loving us. I am a birthmother advocate mentoring expectant mamas with an adoption plan and providing support for birthmothers. I love adoption and everything that is involved in it—even the hard stuff. In my spare time I love to cook for my loved ones, take road trips and experience new adventures with my family.