I have heard this from countless adoptive parents. I thought it myself when I was younger.
Funny thing is adopted children do “look like you.” Not necessarily with the same eye, hair or skin tones, but once they are nurtured by you, they will absorb your language intonations and mannerisms. Ok, not the same, but pretty cool.
What I never understood was relatives and friends who will say an adopted child has a parent’s eyes, nose or hair or reminds them of “Aunt Sally” or “Cousin Joe.” What’s with that?
Perhaps they see something or maybe they are trying to make you “feel better.” I don’t expect them to say, “Hey, she looks nothing like you,” but really? Why not just say, she is beautiful, cute, has great brown eyes, the sweetest dimples, etc.?
When my girls were little, about 2 and 5, there is a picture of them sitting on a couch with their arms around each other. It was one of the rare occasions that they were in matching red knit dresses and leggings. They were adorable. One has straight hair and one curly, they both have brown eyes and brown hair. They have a similar olive skin tone and the same expression on their faces. Did they look alike? Did they need to “look” like sisters?
I believe families like to be homogeneous. They are like a club with membership requirements. They like to resemble one another. Adoptive families have more open guidelines. You do not have to fit into a mold or look a certain way. You just need to identify as one of the clan and live by the clan’s rules. Other members of the clan can accept or reject you. They may have questions as to why you are a member of the clan. As adoptive kids grow, questions about who they are and their belonging in the family should lessen. If not, you will need to talk to the specific family member.
You probably always imagined having a child with your best characteristics and visual features. Imagine for a moment that your child inherited all the things you hate about yourself or the other biological parent—didn’t look at all like you. Would you love your child less? Would you give them back? I will assume, no.
No one can predict what a child will look like with 100% accuracy. And, as they grow, they will assume their own persona and look. Their hair and dress will mimic friends or fashion much more than yours.
As a parent, we can expose a child to food, language, social interactions and academic and recreational opportunities. We can nurture them to learn kindness, respect, giving back and to appreciate what they have—friends and family.
You may need to help a child accept the fact that they do not look like you or the rest of the family. You can talk about the physical appearance of a birth parent, or guess what they may have looked like. You can talk to a child as to why they feel it is so important that they look like “someone else.” Do not take the wind out of these conversations by trying to convince them that they look like you, or a family member. Yes, everyone has two eyes and a nose and mouth. Theirs may be very different from everyone else’s. Telling them they are a beautiful color does not help them accept their race or ethnic origin. Be honest and explore the differences.
All adolescents seek to be independent and to create their own persona. It is probably a time they want to look nothing like their parents. Let them explore who they are, without taking it personally. If you are having issues with your child not looking like you, explore your feelings apart from your child in an adoptive parent group or with an adoption knowledgeable counselor.
Not all families look alike. It is the 21st century and it’s ok.
Click for more from Adoption.NET Executive Writer Kathy Brodsky