Watching all the commercials for going back to school specials on clothes, shoes and electronics is bringing back a lot of memories, including trips to the mall and specialty shops and negotiations on what was appropriate school attire.
With my girls 23 and 27 years of age, I no longer do the August shop around. And while, the girls took this task on without me as they grew, I have to admit, I am relieved to be left out of the crazy days of preparation for school.
I recognize the anxiety in my friends who have school-aged children. It’s not just the academic woes of the year to come, but the focus on helping their children adjust to the new teachers and classmates.
Adopted kids want to fit in. This includes having the latest clothing and school supplies. I hear stories of parents struggling with girls on what is appropriate attire or boys who insist on wearing a favorite shirt several days in a row. Then there is always the parental reaction—“how much does it cost?”—and shock when it comes to backpacks and sneakers.
As parents, we constantly evaluate how are children are doing. We ask them questions— “How are you? What did you do today? What do you want to eat?”, etc. Questions about adoption are less frequent. But with the start of school and new classmates and interactions, these questions are important.
“Who are you friends with?” and “How come you like them?” are good starters. “What do you know about them?” and “What did you tell them about yourself?” can open the door to more in depth conversations. For an elementary school child you should discuss if they will tell friends and teachers they are adopted or if they want you to tell the teacher. This is important, since if the teacher is aware of your family formation, you can be alerted if an issue arises.
I had this experience years ago. It was high school and they were doing a biology segment on genetics. Each teen was to create a chart of how they inherited their eye and hair color, hair quality (curly/straight), expected height and body frame. To start, I had issues with an assignment that focused only on looks and body image, but that is another story for another time.
My daughter’s teacher emailed me about the upcoming assignment. She asked if I thought there might be any issues for my daughter in class or in completing homework. Luckily, my daughter was very comfortable with her adoption, her friends knew and I anticipated she could guess at what she didn’t know. The teacher agreed.
But, if my daughter was not comfortable or had not disclosed her adoption, this could have been a very different story. She could have been anxious, distracted in class and unable to complete assignments. And if she didn’t tell me what was going on, I would not have known why she lost sleep, lost her appetite or didn’t want to go to school.
Another incident happened when she was much younger. She came home and told me there was another adopted kid in her class. I asked her how she knew. Turned out, the teacher introduced them. She thought she was doing something nice. I felt she had breached confidentiality. Neither one of the kids or parents had asked for this introduction. Again, my daughter was fine with it, although they never really became friends. I was not a happy camper. I wanted to ask my daughter a million questions, but didn’t want my upset to taint her. I did manage to ask her how the teacher did this. Luckily, it was done in the hallway away from the other children. But, at the same time, both girls were selected to leave the classroom as if they had done something wrong. I spoke to the teacher and tried to explain the situation and privacy and secrecy, etc. Happily, she was receptive.
Parenting is not easy. Add adoption to the mix, and there are additional complexities, which can include the start of each new academic year. Here is my list of musts for parents and children:
- Talk to your child about adoption and if they want their teacher to know. You can express you reasons or feeling this is a good idea—the teachers will be listening for comments or watching for bullying. They will be able to alert the parent, if needed. They can be educated by you, the parent, as to adoption and your child’s needs.
- Stay on top of your child’s curriculum and upcoming classroom lessons and homework assignments. If something will be “tricky” for your child, talk to the teacher BEFORE it becomes an issue for your child.
- Teach your child the difference between privacy vs. secrecy regarding their adoption and words to use in talking about it or that it is ok not to answer questions.
- Check in with your child every so often about friends and school as it relates to adoption. Ask if it ever comes up with friends or in the classroom. If not, ask if they want to talk about it with friends. If so, help them figure out how to do so and the reactions they may get.
- Find other adoptive parents or go on line and find out what experiences they and their children have had, how they handled them and which battles they choose to fight.
Academic settings are a mirror of society. They are composed of all kinds of people and situations. Helping your child cope with these interactions will prepare them for the larger world as they grow.
Click for more from Adoption.NET Executive Writer Kathy Brodsky