Entering into a surrogacy contract can be terrifying. Your mind begins to race through all of the worst case scenarios. Before you know it you are stressed and wondering how you will survive the next 9 months. More so, it is a big commitment and partnership based on complete trust. Most likely it is putting that trust in someone you have just met! We get it. Surrogacy can be overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be! Just getting started? Here are some of the do’s and don’ts when planning a contracted surrogacy.
The DO’s
Do put your full trust in your surrogate, attorneys, and doctors. Although it is your first pregnancy, keep in mind that this is not their first rodeo. They have all done this before and are all there with the common goal of helping you, the intended parent, become parents.
Do ask lots of questions. Surrogacy can be confusing and even more so is the legal contract language or “legalese.” Remember, there is no such thing as a silly question, so speak up and just ask.
Do reach out and get support from your partner, friends, family, surrogate and agency. You have a 9 month relationship with multiple parties. You will need the support of those involved and close to you for a smooth surrogacy.
Do seek counseling when you hit communication barriers. Active counseling can also be a great way to work out concerns and any fears surrounding the pregnancy and the relationship with your surrogate.
Do screen your agency and surrogate thoroughly. Unfortunately, there are many scams surrounding couples who are desperately wanting to fill their empty homes with a baby. This is a huge financial and emotional commitment, so it is best to not go into it nonchalantly without all of your reservations put to ease.
The Don’ts
Don’t ignore potential problems and red flags you may encounter during your surrogacy. Be honest with the surrogate, doctor or agency and address them directly. It is important that you always keep the line of communication open so that all parties are comfortable throughout the process.
Don’t work with someone who has never given birth. It is important not only for the success of the pregnancy, but also for the mental health of the surrogate that she has experienced a pregnancy and the act of birth prior to becoming a surrogate.
Don’t forget the art of a simple “thank you.” Appreciate this amazing act your surrogate is doing for you and your partner. Be in tune with your surrogate’s feelings and personal life. Even if it is commercial surrogacy and she is paid to carry your child, your surrogate is making an altruistic sacrifice. Just think, how would you like to be treated if you were pregnant? Most importantly be sure to be sensitive to her needs.
Don’t use a contract template. The internet is full of cookie cutter contracts and templates for you to rip and reciprocate. This is not an area where you want to skimp on a lawyer fee. To protect you, your spouse and your unborn baby, it is imperative that you retain a lawyer that is familiar with surrogacy and adoption law within the state that you and your surrogate reside.
Don’t work with a surrogate that lives in a states that deem commercial surrogacy contracts unenforceable. In some states within the US, commercial surrogacy is illegal and can come with a fine and even jail time. This is why hiring a knowledgeable attorney who is familiar with you and your surrogate’s individual state laws.
Being a first time intended parent can be stressful and overwhelming if you let it. Don’t. Do make sure you are being attentive to your surrogate needs. Most importantly, don’t neglect your own feelings and concerns. Soon you will be expecting your baby! Find ways to enjoy and experience the pregnancy. Relish those 9 months and start preparing for parenthood!