You have decided to adopt and wonder if your age will stand in the way. But before we get to the specifics of adopting, it is important to examine why you have decided to adopt now.
Did you delay parenting to pursue your career?
Found your soul mate or spouse recently?
Pursued fertility treatments for a while?
Want another child in the family?
Realized your family lineage will end and are looking for an heir?
Becoming a parent at any age is a major commitment and requires a refocusing of priorities. It involves stamina, flexibility and loads of patience. Parents who have delayed parenting often grapple with the huge change it makes in their everyday lives. Your time is no longer your own. You shift your focus to that of meeting your child’s needs. You see friends less. Your relationship with a spouse, your parents and friends and family change. It is not that you can’t parent. You just must be aware of the major responsibility and commitment you are now choosing. You need to think through the major change it will make in your life:
Are you planning to continue to work or stay home?
Can you balance both work and parenting?
Are you ready to be a stay-at-home parent?
Will you be able to take enough maternity/paternity leave to bond with your child?
Who will provide childcare?
How will you deal with the guilt when work prevents you from attending a school function or activity?
How will your energy, stamina and flexibility serve you now and in the future?
Are you ready to be the “oldest” parent at school and recreational functions?
Are you prepared to be referred to as the “grandparent” because of your age by those who don’t know you?
For those who are adding another child to the family, there are other considerations—more responsibilities, shifts in household roles, being pulled in more directions, relationships with other adults to maintain…and all at a time when you are getting less sleep.
Adopting another child is a wonderful and exciting experience. You will see that your love has no bounds. But it is more than adding one more person to the mix. It becomes a juggling act. It involves all the household relationships. It is demanding. However you have made up your mind to proceed.
You have decided your age is not an issue in parenting. What about the adoption community. What will they think?
There are state, country and agency regulations to consider.
In the United States, you cannot be prevented from adopting from foster care because of your age. However, you may be offered an older child. All parents go through a parent training/educational program and are assessed individually through the homestudy process. Based upon this assessment, you will be approved for a child within a specific age range.
In a private adoption, it is the birthmother who typically chooses the adopting parent(s). Most people pursuing a private adoption in the United States are looking to adopt an infant. Through the homestudy process, the prospective adoptive family will be approved for a child in a specific age range, typically “an infant of either gender.” If during the assessment it is determined that an infant is not the appropriate child for placement into the home, the homestudy would state the age range recommended for placement.
However, if you work with a private adoption agency, they may have their own guidelines regarding the age of parents. Some agencies limit the age of the youngest parent to be no more than 40 years older than the child. It is important to ask about any age restrictions or guidelines when considering working with an agency. The agency is the one presenting you to the birthparent(s) as a prospective adoptive family. If they do not feel a birthparent will choose you, or feel you are competing with younger parents or they do not feel confident advocating for you, they are doing you a favor by not taking you on as a client. Ask them, if you found a birthparent in their area, would they represent you and the birthmother in the adoption process. Most often, they will say yes.
Overseas, countries do have regulations regarding the age difference between a child and parent. The older you are, the greater the possibility of an older child being referred for adoption. Check individual requirements here. In addition, agencies in the United States who oversee international adoptions may have their own restrictions. You can locate agencies for individual countries here.
There are many older parents out there. Some by adoption, some by birth. Older parents provide an experienced world view to their children. They have had more time to prepare emotionally and financially to parent. They have most likely seen family and friends raise children and have a built in support and guidance network.
The bottom line is if you want to adopt, your age will probably not prevent you from doing so. Just be prepared to consider the age of the child. Are you really looking for an infant? What about a toddler or older child? How will the age of the child affect the bonding process? Some people may find it easier to meet the needs of a school-aged child. Some feel they are more prepared to meet the demands of an infant. Take time to think this through and be true to yourself.
Click for more from Adoption.NET Executive Writer Kathy Brodsky