In one of my last blogs, I talked about my first few months in America. It was exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. Now I would like to tell you about my life in Ukraine, before the adoption.
I was living in a small two-bedroom apartment with my two brothers, and our mom and dad in a small town in Gorlivka, Ukraine. We had somewhat of a normal childhood, other than not going to school. I took care of my younger brother while my older brother was out every day with his friends. My parents used to work on a farm, so they would come home later in the day. I didn’t like not going to school, so I would spend almost everyday teaching myself how to read and write. My younger brother (who was adopted with me) was still too young to learn how to read, so I started reading to him. We lived like this for a couple years and everything was fine, until my parents became alcoholics.
I only remember these days vaguely because I tried to block it out. I remember both my parents stopped going to work, they invited all their friends over almost every night and stopped paying attention to my brothers and me. My older brother stopped coming home more and I continued to take care of my younger brother. It got to the point where my parents ran out of money because they weren’t working and were spending all of it on alcohol. My dad became extremely angry when he drank so I stayed in my room with my brother. It was very difficult to be that little and seeing both of my parents change because of their addiction.
A few months went by and everything got worse. My parents weren’t paying their rent and the landlord started calling the police on us. My parents didn’t seem to care at all. I know my mom didn’t want to live like that, but she was under her husband’s control. It was heartbreaking to see because she had no identity with him. One night, he ripped up my mom’s passport and told me not to tell her because he didn’t want her running from him. He was so selfish and didn’t want anything but control of all of us. He became abusive, and that was the day I learned to fear my own father. He sent me out on the streets to beg for food and money, while he sat home getting drunk. I went all over town asking people, but would come home with a few food items. Ukraine isn’t a wealthy country, so it was hard to get money from families. Every time I came home empty handed, my dad took off his belt and beat me with it till my body was blue. He made me wear baggy clothes to cover up during the day.
Picturing myself as a little girl begging in the streets and being beaten by her own dad, I still feel like it was all a dream. At the time, I thought everyone was treated like that. I felt like it was my job to provide for my family and that I failed them when I didn’t. I thought I deserved the punishment I got. I was only seven or eight years old at the time, and my brother was two years younger. My brother had it worse than I did. My dad completely disliked him and treated him like he was nothing. He always said how he wasn’t his son. My brother has ADHD, so my dad never wanted to accept him. I remember a particular situation when my dad really showed his hatred toward my brother. We were all sitting at the small kitchen table, my parents made us soup for lunch. After we finished our soup, my brother asked for more. My dad took a glass from the table and hit my brother on top of his head. The glass broke and my brother’s head started to bleed. It brings tears to my eyes while writing this, because our dad did that to him. It was extremely sad. I yelled for my mom to tell him to stop. After she stood up for my brother, my dad took a big soup spoon and hit her on the head. My mom passed out on the floor. I can still picture this moment and how afraid I was to lose my mom, but she woke up and continued to stay with an abusive man.
After so much abuse, being on the streets, and running from one place to another, my brother and I were sent to an orphanage in Gorlivka called “Nadejda” which means hope. I actually got a tattoo of that with a cross on my neck.
It is crazy to think how different my life is now compared to my life before adoption, when I was living with my birth parents in Ukraine. Being adopted saved our lives. I can’t even think about what I would be doing right now if I was back in Ukraine, but I know it would be very different. I am so thankful that I got to graduate from high school, go to college, drive my own car, and pursue a career in acting and writing. I would never want to go back and change anything that happened. I love my adopted parents more than anything. Every day I am thankful that I am blessed with people who love me unconditionally, no matter what.