I have a two year old daughter and a three month old son. I am also a birth mom to a beautiful 5 year old girl. Because I have an open adoption it is just kind of normal for us to hang out with my birth daughter and her family a few times a year. It is also normal for us to Skype on birthdays, holidays, and whenever else we feel a need to communicate. We Facebook, text, email, etc.
I have a few pictures of my birth daughter and her family in different places around the house. My daughter often sees them. She knows that we have a special connection with “J.” She points to pictures of her and says “J.” She understands there is a bond there.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was terrified of how I would ever explain to her that I had a baby I placed for adoption before she was born. I thought she might use it against me, and hate me, yadda yadda yadda, and she still might. I was at a conference while pregnant and I spoke to a couple who were birth parents as well, but they had grown children. I asked how they coped with it. They simply told me, “We just made it an easy topic of conversation, and NONE of our 10 kids ever had a problem with promiscuity or pregnancy.”
This made so much sense to me. Hey, I made a few mistakes, and I turned my mistake into something absolutely amazing. I am a normal human being who made a mistake. My daughter and son will know that. Because of this, they will also feel comfortable (hopefully—there are never any guarantees) talking to me about these sorts of things. If they have a question, about ANYTHING, I want them to feel comfortable telling me. I want them to ask me about sex, I want them to tell me when they get their first kiss, I want them to ask me those kinds of questions.
I plan to make sure that “J,” and at the very least, her story, stay an easy, talked about topic. This way they can talk to each other, talk to me, ask questions, and get answers. Much better than a box on the shelf that isn’t looked at till I die.
Honesty is always the best policy.